Casting Call from Hell

When I think what the casting call for my latest work, Shaken, might look like, I start to feel sort of squeamish and guilty.

Almost, but not quite, Eva Green is the closest I can come.

Take the lead character, Mitzy:

Wanted, Caucasian female, early thirties. Must be at least 5’10, dark-haired, blue-eyed, and able to run in heels. Resemblance to Eva Green a plus. Role calls for comedy as well as drama, and lots of action. Ability to fire a gun a must, willingness to consume vast amounts of liquid in order to play an alcoholic also necessary. Some nudity required.

Would you take that job? Who’s going to be willing to play a snarky, alcoholic detective who’s also a little bit nuts because she can see everyone else’s magical aura? That’s a rough gig.

As for the male lead in Shaken, well, that’s easy for me, but rough on potential series-stars:

No question: this is Tom Collins.

Male, mid- to late-thirties, must look like Nestor Carbonell

I’ve had this actor in mind since I first conceived of sexy reporter Tom Collins, and (if you ask me) there is no one else who looks quite like him. Should Shaken ever be brought to life, I’ll be heartbroken, because no one they cast will be quite as perfect.

Happily, the book remains fairly strictly in my head, and I can imagine Tom Collins looking just like this. And if you read my book, you have to promise that you’ll imagine it, too.

We also need to cast Mitzy’s partner, Shannon Li, and that’s another tall order:

Chinese-American female, late-twenties to early-thirties, no taller than 5’6. Must have some resemblance to a fairy and be willing to wear wings on occasion. Ability to shoot a gun a plus. Must be able to portray a tight-ass who eventually develops a sense of humor.

Shannon—better known in the book as Li—is a half-Chinese, half-Sidhe woman from Oakland who worked hard to get to her position, and resents Mitzy for being a privileged white girl who abuses her job by drinking too much and trying to cut corners. She works to hide her wings but never shows any vulnerability. Good luck, actresses.

As for Mitzy and Li’s boss, Emberson, we need a middle-aged guy who acts like a jerk but thinks he’s a great guy:

The expression is correct, but he’s far too dreamy.

Mid-forties to early fifties white male, at least six feet tall, looks like a football player gone to seed. Must convey patronizing sense of superiority within unctuous acts of friendliness. Ability to throw excellent temper tantrums and shout for long periods of time a necessity. 

For this role, I’d love to see a decade-older Nathan Fillion, slightly balding, slightly overweight, channeling his Captain Hammer persona.

That’s probably just because I’d die to have Nathan Fillion in my books. It’s too bad he’ll never be unattractive enough, though we could always do to him whatever they did to Colin Farrell for Horrible Bosses:

Not a good look for him.

Come to think of it, maybe we should just cast Colin Farrell.

There’s a start, folks. Actors of the future: start rehearsing.

4 thoughts on “Casting Call from Hell

  1. Great post, Kristen! Love the humor. I don’t fit the description for any of your characters, but I think Eva Green is a beautiful woman for your heroine. I became a fan of Carbonell after watching the series Lost. So many of the actors/actresses have gone on to star in other things since that show. I rarely watch television – catching a movie maybe once every two weeks – so I’m terrible at finding stars to play my characters. Lol.

  2. I love Mitzy and Shannon! They’re a great pair. I have a thing for complicated, troubled heroines. 🙂 And of course, add in being able to see magic and I’m sold. Funny, I did imagine Mitzy as very similar to Eva Green (who I’d never heard of before), so I think you did a good job putting her picture in our heads. 🙂

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